I’m a sunflower, a little funny.. if i were a rose, maybe you’d picked me..
Dear baby that i lost, i'm sorry we didn't make it, but i promise when the right time comes, i will try my best to be a good mother for your sibling.
Grieving is a tricky process, some days you would accept the fact and put on your brave face and the other day, you would feel so broken and cry over simple things. Twenty three days ago, on December, 4th 2020, i would go working in the morning and laying on an operation table in the evening due to an ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo has exploded in my right tube. I remember being so shocked when the doctor told me that she will call an ambulance and i will go to an ER under a total anesthesia. I remember i didn't have the courage to text my family, only a bunch of friends that i know will accept the news and hug me tight from afar. I remember trembling while being pushed on a wheelchair then i remember it was suddenly all black. The operation started.
Those who close to me, would know that i am that kind of independent woman, with many goals i want to achieve and too many places i want to visit. They would know i was not in a rush to be a mother and yet - this lost, this shockwave has hit me so very hard. One day i would accept the unfortunate event and i would understand that this happens all the time to a whole lot of woman everyday around the world. Other day, my heart will ache when i pass by a children's park. My head would be filled with those "what ifs" and before i knew i was trying to hold back my tears. Tears for the fear of tomorrow, tears of relief, tears of thankfulness for what i have today, tears for the fact that i now have one tube instead of two, tears of what this Christmas could have been and tears for the family that i could have built.
My ectopic pregnancy was my first pregnancy. We started "our baby program" two or three months ago and when i finally found that i was pregnant, it was filled with anxiety, it was short and painful. On the day where i supposed to have my period, I had this brown spotting and my gut told me i was pregnant. After summoning all the courage i have in the world, i took not one but three digital tests which all of them confirmed that i was one or two weeks pregnant. I was excited to tell Sebastien, whom for a couple of years now, want us to have a baby. However, i just knew something was not right. I was worried from the day one.
After consulting my gyneco by email, she prescribed a Beta HCG test for every 48 hours. We would exchange short email for every test result where i always precise about the brown spot, including when the volume increased or when the color turned to red accompany with some cramp. Google said brown blood is normal during the first days of pregnancy. However, red blood with cramps could mean something else. Looking back, i remember telling one of my friends how the signs i had pointing to an ectopic pregnancy. Yet, we waived that thought, because who has that ? No one. Well,little did i know i would be the first one to experience this amongst my circle of friends.
When my HCG reached over 500 during the 3rd test, our gyneco finally ordered us to come for an ultrasound. I remember she was telling me on her email that the result is convincing. Medically, her steps were accurate, had she received me earlier, she wouldn't see anything - because the pregnancy was too early. Yet, somehow i halfly blame her for her lack of disponibility and myself for being misinformed. I would wanted to speak to her (and God knows i don't mind paying) seeking an advice when the spot turns to red. As a young -illiterate couple about pregnancy- we didn't know when should we rush to an emergency or take a RDV for some available cabinet or when we should wait. Though i know, the result wouldn't be different...
The ectopic pregnancy itself, can happen for some reasons. Although scientifically, most of them are just a part of the nature. Before embarking to this baby program journey, i ran a couple of test to make sure nothing is wrong with me and the result was all perfect. I quit the contraception pills 5 years ago and i only took it for two years, i don't smoke, i'm not obese, i don't have an endometrium problem, i don't wear sterilet and my family doesn't have any genetical health issue. I remember the face of the doctor who operated me, when she visited the day after my operation. Her eyes were tired and her face filled with empathy, explaining " Mam, there is nothing wrong with you. We have a look at your other tuba and it's perfect. This one is just a bad luck"
Bad luck. What did i do wrong?
The first feeling that came to me was shame. I was ashamed of me and my body, of it's incapacity doing what it meant to do. Then, i felt so lonely. In this new world of woman that had a grossesse extra uterine, i didn't know who can i talk to? who would understand what i have been through?
Google? A friend with a healthy baby? A friend without a baby? a friend who never got pregnant even once?
I have no one in my circle that has lived through this.
So after feeling lonely, i was angry and tired.
In the midst of this new me, while i'm crying for being upset, ashame, lonely, angry and tired, i realized that i have such a loving mom. Who pray and pray and pray from afar. How awful for her not to be able to be with me during my toughest challenge.
Then i look at my husband, in between all of the painkillers, he was there. I remember he looked smaller and in pain, i remember seeing his head down. He was mourning our baby too, yet he was there. Patiently hugging me, washing me, showering me with love, dancing with me, holding my hands when i sneeze or when i walk, making sure our home is perfectly tidy and making sure that i have all of my favorite food.
Then i received so many messages from my brother, my sister in law, my mother-in-law, my husband's family, my friends, my colleagues, my acquaintances... some messages had curious tones but most of them are loving, caring messages. Before i realized, my husband brought us a kitten to cheer me up, my best friends sent constant encouraging and loving messages, a bouquet of flower, a box of chocolate, a letter, a cake, a gift...and just like that, i felt lifted.
Little by little, the more i talk about it, the more i realized that there's actually women around me that have experienced the exact same thing in the past. I thank them for sharing their stories and made me feel less alone. It comforts me to know that this too shall pass, that this doesn't mean the end for me. Some day, i would wake up and feel so positive and energized thanks to them. Other day, like today or yesterday, i would admit that i am a bit sad and i cried a little.
I don't know when i will trust my body 100% again or when i will heal but i know as long as i own all the feelings and not hiding it, i will be fine and getting better each day.
Not to mourn the past and not to worry about the future. It's cliche but it's true there is no rainbow without the rain.